My thoughts

I full recognize the next post isn't going to be about what you expect, but while I have you checking back to read more about Thailand I wanted to make sure this post didn't get forgotten.  :)

It was 2:45AM Monday morning and we were getting ready to board a plane to leave Thailand.  Although I was exhausted to the core, I was praying hard because I knew back in Seattle the first church service of the morning was letting out.  The service, dedicated to infertility awareness, was heavy on my heart since this issue has forever changed me.  I know you might think I'm being dramatic, but going through this experience has made me a different person and has affected every part of me-emotionally, physically, and too often, unfortunately my relationships with others.  I now have a passion to help others experiencing infertility as well, and I was anxious and hopeful to hear how my church home would address this issue.  

We got home after over 24 hours of flying on Monday, but before Jon and I went to bed that night we both listened to this service on podcast.  So did you listen to it, too?  I know what you might be thinking:
A) I am really busy and just don't have time.
B) Listening to sermons are boring. I can't even imagine listening to any/more than one a week/etc
C) This sermon doesn't effect me. Why do I need to listen to it?

All great questions...really!  Let me try and address those concerns. I think you should listen to this because it is only 40 minutes (think of it as less than your favorite hour long drama), and my pastor's sermons are anything but boring.  Even I don't enjoy listening to things on podcast as much as seeing it live, but trust me when I say you'll be engaged (I was listening intently after traveling all.day.long.)  And here's the kicker to address the last question...the sermon was done in such a way that anyone could relate to it because we have all experienced things in our lives that just plain suck.  And Richard addressed that in this sermon.

With that being said, I really do hope you find some time to listen to it, if not all in one setting but bits and pieces throughout the week.  Surely you have four 10 minute chunks of time, right?

Okay, I'll stop pestering you now.

So what did I think?  

I thought the sermon was great. Richard's three main points were:

1. We can have gaping holes in a meaningful life. 

2. The nature and timing of fruit is God's prerogative.
3. Hannah's prayer shows us about real fruit-thanking God for what we've been given.

I wish that I had this sermon to grab onto a year ago when I was in the thick of my infertility and felt so isolated and alone.  God felt so far away during so much of this trial, and I kept trying to figure out why this was happening to me. I didn't feel like I deserved any of what was going on.  His plan seemed elusive, and at times it felt like God had turned His back on me.  Richard's sermon talked about praying for fruit, but not getting the fruit you want. Yes(!), this was how it was to me, especially since so often it felt like everyone else easily got that very fruit, sometimes without even trying (and certainly not trying like we had been trying).

The fact is that many pretty much everyone who is loved by God experiences heartache at some point. Paul was perhaps the greatest theologian of all time, but God never took away his thorn in the flesh (2 Corinthians 12).  Joseph was loved by God but sold as a slave by his own family (Genesis 37). Yet ultimately we are still called to be fruitful and embrace the life God gave us, even in the midst of the pain and the crud of life.  I don't mean to say this is easy, and I don't think my pastor or God are implying that it is, but this is a truth we have to try to hold onto the best we can.  Richard calls the thorn we have in each of our lives a "gaping hole," but we can still have meaning in our lives.  In other words, we have to look for the blessings we have been given instead of focusing on the thing that eludes us.

Of course much more happened during the course of the service that isn't included in the podcast. A great video was shown that I think helps people begin to understand the pain related to infertility.  A time of prayer was offered for not only couples experiencing infertility but others going through a difficult time.  And of course there was a time of worship with music.  I'm thankful I am part of a community that recognizes there is pain, but remembers to points His people back to the Truth with Love.

Thankful

I think I've posted before that I feel very thankful to have found our church home in Seattle. We feel challenged by the message each Sunday, love the music, and have found great friends through our small groups.

One of the first groups I joined shortly after moving to Seattle was the Infertility group at Bethany. It was a great place for women to go to and share our hurts and struggles with other women who could empathize with our situation.  Unfortunately the group disbanded in October 2009, but this past summer it got reinvigorated and I ended up taking a leadership role within the group.  It has been a wonderful way for me to use my passion about this topic in a really great way and fellowship with other women familiar with my situation.

Recently our church decided to have a service themed around the issue of infertility, and I can't tell you what a blessing this is to me.  So many couples face challenges related to this issue (1 in 6!) but because of the shame so often associated with this disease so many try to "go it" alone.  In addition, because the Church so often focuses on families it can be difficult for those wanting to grow their own family and experience trouble.

Scripture, however, invites us to share each others burdens and lift each other up! By making a public declaration and acknowledging this issue, I hope all in our church will benefit: those suffering from infertility, those who have been personally touched by it either themselves or a close family member, and those who don't know anything about it.  The bulletin this Sunday simply read:

Infertility Awareness Sunday. In conjunction with Richard's sermon on the prayer of Hannah on Sunday February 27th, we will be acknowledging those who suffer with infertility issues. There will be a special video and time of prayer as part of the service. We hope those struggling with infertility will allow the church family to encourage, support, and pray with them.

Jon and I will unfortunately be out of town on our mystery vacation during the service, but I look forward to listening to it on podcast when we return.  I will, however, be praying for those couples who will be hearing this message, my church family to have open hearts about this issue, and for God to speak through Pastor Richard about this sensitive topic. I invite you to also pray for my church on Sunday, February 27th and then listen to the sermon about the topic, too.

Galatians 6:2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Putting Myself Out There

This past Monday was so very emotional.  My parents left town, which always makes me weepy, but in addition to that I was speaking at a women's ministry event that evening to share with others about what infertility is like.  When I was first approached I kind of laughed it off and thought, "There is NO WAY I'm doing that!"  I've talked about before on this blog how I don't want to be a poster child for this disease, let alone be the face of it at our church.  But, low and behold, God worked on my heart and I found myself saying yes a few weeks later.

I wasn't very nervous in the weeks leading up the event, but I definitely asked for prayer from a few friends in Seattle who are familiar with my journey and knew I'd be doing this.  Then, the evening before and the day of the event I was getting pretty nervous.  Public speaking doesn't usually bother me after being in drama for years and teaching in front of kids every day, but for some reason this event really had me going.   I had practiced my speech, which grew to close to 15 minutes long, several times and I had only cried in one spot.  I was nervous about showing my emotions, but they are real and they are there, and if I cried once during the speech I was OK with that.

When I arrived my emotions were already on the brink.  The enormity of what I was about to do was all very real.  I haven't shared one-on-one with many people because I have been hurt in the past by some comments, but sharing in front of a large group of women (probably about 70-80) was an entirely different thing.  Women from all ages were there-college, retired, career women, but the group I was most nervous about was MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers).  This was the group I wanted to be in, but instead I have always viewed them from the shadows.  This was the group of people that probably know the most people struggling with infertility right now but also were the same demographic of people who often didn't get it because they got pregnant without much trouble.   What would they think?

My speech basically consisted of two parts: my journey thus far and the emotions associated with it and a list of what others can do/should know about how they can be understanding for those who know someone struggling with this.  The waterworks started pretty early on, and I must have cried at least 4 separate times on stage.  It was much more difficult to get through then I ever imagined.  I cried when I talked about what it was like when I actually accepted my diagnosis.  I cried when I talked about staring at so many failed tests on my bathroom floor.  I cried when I talked about all the things infertility has robbed me of.  I cried when I said I would finally be a Mommy through adoption.

My wonderful small group, Hoping Like Hannah, helped me come up with the latter part, the list of things to share, and I was happy to know I had their full support as I was reading this even though the things I said might not be understood by those who haven't struggled with this.  I figure if even one person will think about what I said or if someone in that room is struggling with this silently perhaps they will be motivated to come to our small group to get support.

After my speech they played the video I have posted on my site previously.  As usual, I couldn't hold it together during this either, but I think I was so emotionally drained it was just a combination of the words on the screen and the enormity of what I just did that made me unable to hold back the tears.

After the event I was second guessing everything I did.  Did I cry too much (although I don't know how I would have been able to stop that).  Was it worth putting myself out there?  Did people gain any new understanding?  A few days later I received an e-mail from the Women's Ministry director which helped me feel better about how it went.  I guess I might never know how God used me that evening, but I pray that people will have a better understanding if they walked in my shoes for a little bit.

This Speaks to My Heart

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Medical Update

I haven't posted in awhile about our fertility journey, but I thought I'd give an update today. As many of you probably inferred our 1st IUI on May 1st was unsuccessful. We tried our 2nd IUI the end of May, and even with two follicles that procedure was again negative. Tomorrow will be my 3rd, and final, IUI.

There are many reasons why this will probably be the end of the road, at least with Western medicine, for us. I am good at researching (yea master's degrees) and know the statistics that if you aren't pregnant after your 3rd or 4th IUI that probably won't be a successful procedure to keep trying. Before undergoing an IUI you have to be on some crazy medication, usually Clomid. Clomid has been found over time to thin a woman's reproductive lining which is essential for supporting the egg during the first stages of pregnancy. It also has been linked to ovarian cancer. This will be my 7th time on Clomid, and neither Jon or I feel comfortable with me continuing to be on that medication right now. The emotional ups and downs of the ARTs journey are very difficult on me. For my own sanity I need to take a break from this. Finally, at this time we don't feel at peace about pursuing IVF, the usual next step from the Western medical community.

Obviously both Jon and I want this procedure to be successful. We are hoping the 3rd time will be the charm so we can have a biological child of our own. But, I am beginning to understand and accept that this may never occur, something I never admitted to myself before. I always thought I'd get pregnant on Clomid, and then when we had to move onto Clomid + IUI I knew that would be the trick. But after the failure of not one, but two, IUIs I have more perspective this last time around.

Jon and I still have a strong heart and desire to be parents, and being a Mom has been something I have wanted since I was a little girl. We have therefore started to think and pray a great deal about adoption. It has been overwhelming to say the least, but we have learned a lot in the few weeks we have been considering it. This is definitely an exciting next stage, but I must be honest that it also feels a little like the death of a dream because being pregnant has been important to me, although my desire to be a Mom is definitely the greater of the two.

I appreciate those of you who have walked this journey with me, even from far away. It has been wonderful knowing that we have people who love and support us and our praying for us. Thank you for your prayers about tomorrow and the two weeks following.

A similar perspective

I was reading another blog of a sister I "met" through Hannah's Prayer, a Christian community for women struggling with infertility. She posted a quote from Laura Bush that I thought was beautiful. I didn't realize that the former first family struggled with trying to conceive a baby, and the thoughts she has wrote do a very good job of describing a small part of the journey.

"But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words "to mourn an absence." For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only "I am sorry for your loss." But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
- Laura Bush

I especially responded to the first sentence. This birthday was a difficult milestone in my life. It wasn't so much my biological clock telling me I'm too old, because I'm not, but it registered with me that I didn't anticipate being 29 and without kids. When I thought about what I wanted to do and where I'd be, that was never part of the plan. And yes, it is all God's plan anyway, but I felt like He would have granted this miracle by now in my life.

This is a hard thing for me to fully understand and grasp. And something I will probably never understand in this lifetime.

Infertility ABCs

Over the past two plus years I have become very familiar with terminology I never knew existed. Thus the inspiration for the Infertility ABCs. These are just some of the words that have become a part of my everyday vocabulary. It is when I think about stuff like this I realize how much this has become a part of who I am and how my life has fundamentally changed due to this struggle to have a child.

A- Anovuilation, androgens, acupuncture

B- Basal Body Temperature, BFN (big fat negative), baseline ultrasound

C-Cervical Mucus, Clomid

E- Endometrium

F- Follicle size, FSH (follicle stimulating hormone)

G- Glucose Tolerance Test

H- HSG, HCG shot

I- IUI, IVF, insulin resistance

L- LH (Leteinizing hormone), Luteal Phase, Letrozole

M- Metformin

O- OPK (ovulation predictor kit), ovarian cysts

P- PI (primary infertility), Progesterone, PCOS

R- RE (reproductive endocrinologist)

S- Sonohystogram, SA (semen analysis)

T- TTC (trying to conceive), TWW (two week wait)

U- Uterus

V- Vaginal ultrasound

W- WNT (within normal limits)

A good reminder

I was talking with a good friend yesterday who reminded me of a wonderful song which I had unfortunately forgotten about. It speaks to where I am at right now. I hope is blesses you.

Full of Surprises

I will apologize in advance for this super long post. If you don't have time to read the whole thing, jump to the end to get the doctor update.

This week has just been crazy. Enough said. I have been trying to relax and stay calm and that just didn't happen.

Let's start at the beginning.

On Tuesday night I was planning ahead (no surprise being the Type A person I am) and prepping for Wednesday's dinner by making the chili ahead of time. Then I can just plug in the crock pot Wednesday morning and save 45 minutes of sleep by not making the chili (cutting all the veggies, browning the meat, adding the spices) in the morning. I was about 10 minutes from completion and opening up a can of black beans when the top of the can fell into the can. I started to pry it out with my fingers and thought, "Don't be stupid. Get out a knife to help pry it out." So I got out a knife, got the lid out, and somehow I still ended up cutting my finger.

I immediately started running it under the faucet, but the blood was gushing out and Jon quickly but calmly ran into the kitchen and said, "I think we should go to the hospital." I knew if it was serious enough for Jon to suggest a visit to the ER at 10:00PM at night, then it was serious. So I started to freak out a little. Ok, maybe a lot. I was helpless to do anything since I was putting intense pressure on my finger and couldn't use either hand. Jon was so great though, staying completely calm and encouraging me each step of the way.

The ER visit was surprisingly quick. We were in and out in about an hour(!), but apparently I was as white as a sheet during the tetanus shot and suture application. At the end of the day I got three stitches in my left index finger. We finally got to bed around midnight.

And that was only Tuesday.

Wednesday we had another late night hosting our small group, and Thursday was an absolutely insane and crazy day at work. I didn't sit at my desk for 2 hours straight, running around helping kids and teaching four classes in the morning non-stop. Then about lunch time I started to feel sick-achy, headache, sore throat, and very lethargic, but I still had four classes to go that I needed to be "on" for. I got home and just crashed. I think the week finally caught up to me.

Today, thankfully, I have off, and I'm going to try to rest, get healthy, and relax. I also had a doctor's appointment this morning. My body has decided to take it's good ol' time this month, and tomorrow it the day of the IUI. This is great because Jon and I don't have to take off work and I won't be back to work till Tuesday. Plenty of time to relax and be calm!

Thank you for your prayers during this time. I really appreciate it!

The Joy (?) of Flexibility

The doctor's appointment went well, but unfortunately my follicles aren't large enough to complete the IUI tomorrow as I had hoped. I have a new appointment scheduled for Wednesday, so tentatively everything is hold until then.

Thanks for your continued prayers!

The Appointment and other news

It looks like this Monday will be THE DAY of the IUI. I unfortunately have to come back from the Women's Retreat in Leavenworth, WA a little early in order to see my doctor on Sunday morning for an ultrasound. They will check if the follicles are large enough yet for the procedure. If it looks good, then we'll be set to go. The funny thing is I'm almost as nervous driving alone from Leavenworth back to Seattle as the procedure itself. I have to go over Steven's Pass, a high range in the Cascades where, last I checked, there is snow on the ground. I can deal with snow on the ground. I just don't want the snow to be on the road or coming down out of the sky when I come home because I am petrified to drive with small white frozen precipitation around me, and doing so all by myself amps up my nervousness level.

Anyway...back to the IUI. Worst case scenario the procedure will be pushed back to Tuesday, but I hope this isn't the case because I would have to take off work. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but I have an observation scheduled with an Seattle Pacific University proctor for my library endorsement that day. I really hope I don't have to reschedule!

I also realize that you are supposed to be relaxed and calm if you want to have a baby, and just reading this through so far makes me laugh because I am SO NOT relaxed and calm. Yea, so pray for me cause I need it!

Another little spicy meatball threw itself out there yesterday. Jon and I are still debating about coming home or staying in Seattle. One day it is Phoenix, the next day it is Seattle. Literally. A planner like me is so not happy about this. My principal came into the library yesterday and announced the district decided to convert my contract, and I will have a job next year (assuming they don't RIF all first year teachers in the district). So if I stay I will at least have a half time job again, but it also makes the situation slightly more complicated than leaving when I knew I had no prospects here for my professional career.

At this point I just wish we had one thing in life that we could count on. I think God is trying to teach me the patience thing these past few years, and I just want to implore Him to move on from that one. How about a pure, unadulterated rejoicing period a la Psalm 92? I think I could deal with that one for a change.

A Crossroads

The year was 2003. I was visiting an OBGYN for the first time to figure out where my little monthly friend had been for the past nine months. Nervous and scared to be visiting this doctor for the first time, I didn't know what to expect. They ran the tests, and my doctor told me I had PCOS.

What did that mean?

My doctor calmly and with a smile informed me that this was a common gynecological disorder. They'd put me on birth control to start up a cycle, and life would be good. Oh, and when I was ready to have a child, she had an "easy fix" to help me.

That was over two years ago. I am still waiting for her promise to come through, and it now appears an "easy fix" will never come. (Certainly didn't come from her after she sent me on my merry way after one month of trying her sure thing before she said, "That's all I can do").

I've tried drugs, gone the natural route, prayed like crazy, given my body a break from the emotional and physical drain, but the end result is still a big fat negative at the end of each month.

After much prayer and discussion we have decided to pursue our first ART (Advanced Reproductive Technology) treatment: IUI. Although for those in the business this is a common procedure, even done by nurses instead of doctors, it is NOT commonplace for me. I know others who have done this procedure, and I always prayed I wouldn't have to do this. The thought of IUI would make me cry because it turns the process of having a child, something that is supposed to be private and exciting, to a procedure that happens in a sterile room with bright lights, an ultrasound monitor, and with way more than two people involved in the process.

For those people who have gotten a baby from this procedure, I fully get and understand why they came to a point to do this, even though I'm sure they must have had some of my same feelings. I am now at that place, too. The hope to expand our family is a greater desire for me than having this process done the way that I dreamed it would happen.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I could use your prayers for:

*Success for the procedure. Let's pray it works!

*That I would be as calm and stress free as possible during this process. Easier said than done.

*Jon and I would draw closer to God and each other during this time.

*That no complications, although rare, would result from the procedure or the meds I have to go on.

*My heart would be prepared for whatever the outcome, and that I would trust God more during this time.

*I am scheduled to go on a church retreat right around the time this procedure might need to occur. Please pray for God's perfect timing.

*However you feel led to pray! :)

The procedure will probably take place within the next two weeks, and I'll only be updating this site for exact dates (not FaceBook or Twitter). I will do my best to post so you can pray specifically on the date of the procedure, too.

Spring Fling? Spring Cleaning? What to call this entry!

Spring is almost here. In Seattle that means cherry blossoms are blooming, temperatures are creeping up into the 60s, and the sun is out more. All of which are very good things.

The onset of this spring also means that Jon and I have a huge decision to make: whether or not to stay in Seattle for another three years or move back to Phoenix this summer. Neither of us feel like we could ever call Seattle home long term, but moving back to Phoenix this year means I could keep my senority in Scottsdale, we wouldn't have to deal with our house being occupied by renters as we are 1,500 miles away, and being closer to family and many friends. Unfortunately the job market is as bleak for Jon in Phoenix as we left it. Moving to Phoenix without a job for Jon would probably not be the best situation.

Speaking of jobs...I recently found out my contract was not renewed for next year. Being a first year teacher in Seattle equals zero senority, although the district encouraged me to apply for new positions as they are posted this summer. How sweet of them! My principal didn't even know this occurred until I went to talk to her as "this was the first time in my five years with the district that a person I recommended for rehire wasn't rehired."

This news came on the heels of me beginning my final course for WA endorsement to teach in the library. As many of you recall, even though I have this endorsement in AZ, the state of WA has chosen not to recognize it. Since last March I have been taking courses to be certified here. My final course, which I began a few weeks ago, is similar to student teaching. I have to create an extensive portfolio, get a "mentor teacher," and have someone from SPU come in to observe me teach two different times. Ugh. It's not that I can't do it, it's mainly I don't want to. With so much up in the air it can be difficult to be motivated to say the least. But I'm trying! :)

It has been a challenging few months for us in regards to my/our fertility. There have been a few let downs since the beginning of 2010, and unfortunately my doctor's appointment last Saturday was filled with more of the same. Ugh. I told Jon earlier this week that the first 18 months of this journey were so much easier than the past six. I think there are multiple reasons for this which I can readily identify. I told Jon that not a day goes by that I don't think about "it." He was a bit concerned over this revelation because I tend to get down in the dumps when I dwell on sad things (funny, huh?). But I was quick to reply that I actually have been praying more these past six months than my entire life. This is definitely a GOOD THING! I mean I know that God uses the bad and He alone can make it into good, but it is nice that I can see this happening. Please continue to pray that this would be the case, and I wouldn't be afraid to go to God with all my burdens as He is more than capable of carrying them for me. Also, we have a follow up appointment with my doctor on April 2nd. If you could please pray for that meeting (we will be deciding where to go from here) I would greatly appreciate it.

I have been slowly learning to play the guitar lately, too. I have started with a few praise songs, know a handful of chords, and am having a fun time doing it. My fingers are getting calloused, which Jon assures me won't last forever. This is a good thing.

Ok, this post served as a good diversion from doing the aforementioned course work. Thanks for letting me "waste" some time.

Further Reflection

I have been thinking a lot about my blog post from January, “Let’s Get Real,” and I guess I wanted to take this opportunity to further expand and/or reflect on it. I was able to further share the feelings and frustrations I had regarding that blog post with a few dear friends, and although that blog post was not directed at any one person, but rather the “world in general,” I still wanted to clear things up based on some great guidance from these friends.

I understand that sometimes you (the collective you of the world) may feel stuck between a rock and a hard place about bringing up what I am going through. If you bring it up and I’m not thinking about it, then you worry I might get sad. Perhaps you want to bring it up, but you aren’t sure what to say, so you just don’t bring it up at all. You know you want to avoid Christian platitudes like “God is in control” or pregnancy words of wisdom like “Just relax” or “If you adopt, then you’ll get pregnant,” knowing these words may not help either. So you just feel caught between the middle. My good friends helped me to understand this perspective, and for that I am very grateful.

So where do we go from here? In my opinion, I rarely mind discussing what I am going through. With that being said, if you happen to catch me on a rough day, I might not want to elaborate for fear of my emotions being too close to my heart and wanting to “keep it together.” I’m not trying to shut you out, but I haven’t told many people about this, and I might not be ready to open up completely either.

I have come up with this example, which I understand isn’t the best, to hopefully shed light on how it feels to me.

Infertility is a disease that robs people of doing what others are able to do naturally. If you knew someone who had a different disease or health problem, like cancer, you would probably ask them how they were feeling, was the effects of the chemo manageable, has there been any progress this week, what can I pray for you regarding this situation, etc. I don’t see infertility being any different. I was reading several great Christian books about infertility, and I learned from The Infertility Companion that “infertility patients are second only to cancer patients in terms of what they will endure for a cure.” This floored me, but I definitely believe it to be true. So whether it’s me or another friend who is going through this issue, I pray that the Lord would give each of us wisdom on how to comfort, support, and be Jesus to that person. We will each miss up, me definitely included, but hopefully the Spirit will speak through each of us during those situations.

If your heart leads you to learn more about this issue, I highly recommend the book Hannah’s Hope. (And if you are dealing with infertility, miscarriage, secondary infertility, adoption struggles, etc, I can’t recommend this book enough) It is a very easy read, and at the end of each chapter the author writes specifically to individuals who are watching others walk through this journey. The words of wisdom this author shares are invaluable. I hope this post is able to express a small part of the infertility journey half as well as this book.

Let's Get Real

I read something weeks ago that I have tried to forget and let go. But it has stayed with me, and I want to get this off of my chest.

A blog author said there was a need to "tiptoe around the infertile and childless."

This person missed the point entirely.

Infertility is an issue that some people face, just as you and everyone else has issues God has given you to struggle with. Hopefully people ask you how you are doing with your issues and you respond, happy to have someone to share with. I believe that is all most people stuggling with infertility ask as well. We don't want to be forgotten about because you might find it awkward. (Get over yourself!) Your silence on this issue that can consume our life makes us feel isolated and alone. Please don't tiptoe, but be there to pray and listen, when we want to share.

And while I'm at at....nowhere in the Bible does it say that you are less of a human or woman if you are childless. Nowhere does it say you aren't a family if there are only two people. In fact, when Adam and Eve were joined together they were complete. Churches already make it hard for couples without children because there is little support for this issue and most ministries for those over 30 center around children and families.

So please stop tiptoeing around and be a friend.

And now I will get off of my soapbox.

Can Hollywood Get it Right Some of the Time?

Let's face is...most of the time Hollywood gets it wrong. Rachel and Monica's NYC apartment is huge and their salaries wouldn't have covered the heating bill in winter, you can't blow up a giant meteor heading towards Earth, and just because you build a baseball field doesn't mean ghosts of baseball past will appear. I guess these examples are lighthearted things, whereas infertility is heavy stuff. I would think Hollywood would be more genuine when they approach this.

I was wrong...mostly.

My Mom wanted to see a movie on her birthday while we were in town, so everyone went over to the Scottsdale 101 to see "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" with Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant. I know, what were we thinking?!? (But that's another discussion entirely). :)

The audience comes to learn that the couple struggled with infertility which led to stress in their marriage (duh!) and eventual unfaithfulness by both parties (not the best response). The heated conversation about the strain in their marriage was pretty much spot on: hormone injections that make the wife go nuts, timed intercourse which takes the fun out of sex, numerous doctors appointments, financial strain. However, it's Hollywood so they have to make everything OK. In the end of the movie (spoiler alert here) the plot jumps ahead six months. We find Sarah and Hugh getting off a plan with their lovely new daughter they just adopted from overseas. Then, we find out after they move into their new 3,000 sq. ft. apartment in NYC that she's got the cutest little baby bump. WHAT?

For anyone who has tried to adopt a child, they know it can take YEARS, not six months from start to finish. And don't even get me started on the whole pregnancy thing. It just felt fake and lame and made me upset. I think movies like this cheapen the experience that people go through who are childless and want to expand their family. It just reeks of total stupidity.

But remember when I said that I was wrong...mostly...about Hollywood? I thought I'd end on a high note.

Last night I watched Julie and Julia with Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. For those of you who have seen the movie you might recall a scene in the movie that hinted at Julie Child's struggle with infertility. Julia receives a letter from her sister, and while reading it to herself she has to sit down while she calls over her beloved husband. She tells him, through tears, that her sister (who recently got married) is pregnant and says while crying, "I'm so happy for her." As soon as these words were said I started crying as well because I can so relate to these emotions that Hollywood portrayed accurately. It is a mixture of heartache and happiness when you hear those words from a friend. They might not come by letter anymore (Facebook, e-mail, and phone calls have replaced this form of communication), but little else has changed when these moments occur.

But did you know there was another scene, at the beginning of the movie, that hinted at this issue? Those that don't know the pain of infertility probably never noticed it. But it was loud and clear to me. Julia is walking in front of the Notre Dame Cathedral with her husband as a young woman passes with a baby stroller. Julie Child looks back at the pair, longingly, and her husband does the perfect thing in response: kisses her hand in a knowing way to support her. The whole scene probably took five seconds and was over in a flash, but it was loud and clear to me. I believe this is also an accurate experience for people who have felt these same longings.

The thing I loved about this movie was that it reminded me that Julia Child didn't let this desire overwhelm her life. She tried new things, found passions, and seemed by all accounts to love life and people. I think this was a great message for anyone, struggling with anything, to see.

So Hollywood is 1 for 2. I'm happy that, at least recently, they are running at a 50% success rate.

Wrapping up

2009 will be coming to a close within the next few hours, and I am OK with that. Overall this has been a very difficult year, and I'm hoping that 2010 will be, well, different. Here are some of the highlights, both good and hard, from this past year.

This year I:

1. Moved away from family and AZ for the first time

2. Gave up a job I truly loved (I actually couldn't wait to go to work each day)

3. Moved out of our first home and gave it up for a renter to use (and treat well we hope!)

4. Started taking more classes for my endorsements in WA (I have now taken over 100 credits, equivalent to a PhD, since finishing my undergrad degree in 2003. )

5. Began new fertility treatments to expand our family.

6. Lived at 4 different addresses.

7. Started a new job in West Seattle

8. Visited Orcas Island, Milwaukee, Salt Lake City, and Boise (some on the drive up to Seattle)

9. Won an award for teaching in Scottsdale

10. Celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary

11. Traced my family genealogy, in some cases to the 15th generation back!

12. Helped Jon launch one of his first iPhone apps.

13. Experienced seasons.

14. Felt like my faith has been tested and tried more than any other time in my life.

15. Found a new church home at Bethany Community Church.

16. Made new friends in Seattle.

I have lots of hopes and dreams for 2010, and I pray those come true. However, I also pray that I would be open to God's plan and His desires for me. I know that each experience is given to me for a reason, and I hope that I can be open to hearing how God wants to teach me and mold me through each of them.

That time again...

It's been awhile since I've posted and I keep telling myself I should update this blog again, but I'm struggling to know what to write.

For the most part life is pretty status quo right now which might actually be news in and of itself after so many months of constant changes. We are going to Milwaukee for Thanksgiving in less than a week, and it will be nice to see Jon's family over a long holiday weekend. We might actually get up early and do the Black Friday thing which, I've been told, can be pretty chilly in Wisconsin. I think, however, I am more prepared for it since it has been so chilly in Seattle. In fact, every time I look at the weather between these two cities Seattle has been colder than Milwaukee. I keep hoping their weather report will change and we'll be able to see some sunlight there since it has been absent from Seattle as of late. In fact, I heard yesterday on the news that Seattle has received 2 inches more rain this month than normal. Ugh! (To give you Phoenicians some perspective, they have received over 6 inches this month which is more than Phoenix receives in a year!).

You can pray for us both as we begin some new medical treatments as of late. The medication I am on has given me pretty bad headaches each day. I am thankful that is the only side effect so far, but having a headache 24/7 can be really challenging and test my patience. Please also pray for wisdom for both of us as we decide where to go from here. I also may have to be taking off of work for some more medical testing/monitoring, which is stressful in and of itself. Please also pray that these tests would go well and that I would receive God's peace no matter the results. There are some days that I really need it.

My Heart Exposed

As I was writing my most recent update about what was going on in my life I was confronted with the idea that I wasn't being totally honest. There is a huge ongoing issue in my life that I have been struggling with for 20 months. Since this blog is "closed" to uninvited readers, and I trust those who do read this blog, I talked with Jon about sharing with you something that has increasingly become a large part of our life's journey.

We have been struggling with infertility.

That isn't any easier to write now than it was a year ago. In fact, I hate that word because it seems to final, especially when I know in God's plan nothing is truly final. I still have hope that one day Jon and I will be parents to a little child of our own DNA. I go through this life cautiously optimistic that God will fulfill the desire in both of our hearts to experience the joy of parenthood.

But that doesn't mean some days aren't hard and some days aren't downright sad and depressing.

So how can you, my friends, help me through this journey God has called me to be on? More than anything I would covet your prayers for both Jon and I. This is an emotionally wrenching time for us, and the desire to care a child runs deep for me. As each month passes us by, hearing about another pregnancy of a friend comes with both happiness and heartache. But with that said, please don't be fake. If you happen to get pregnant, don't hide it from me. I want to be happy with you, and I also need to process it in my own way. Likewise, if you aren't sure what to say, that's OK. If you are interested on topics related to this you can find a well written article (in my humble opinion) about this subject here.

Ok, so I think that is all I can muster up emotionally to say about this topic for today. Perhaps one day I will share more details about the whys and hows, and where we are planning to go with this next. For now, thank you for your trust as I share this part of my life with you.