The nitty gritty

I just returned this afternoon from another trip up to the Pacific Northwest.  This was a short one (less than 72 hours), and I am still getting used to the fact the overcast weather.  We awoke Saturday morning to snow.  Our condo is on a hill called Cougar Mountain, and apparently that little elevation change greatly changes the type of precipitation you receive.  Brrrr!!!!

We did find a renter, and she moved in last week.  This has been a great relief for EVERYONE; my parents don't have to keep running down there to show it when I'm out of town (because most calls come on the weekend) and we can have some income coming in for the place.   The lady renting seems nice, and she has two children.  I got the chance to pray with her after we met for the first time and gave her the keys.  She is going through a lot in her life right now, too, and I was encouraged by our first meeting.  

Today I start my first library class, so I will be doing homework for the next two months (make that years-this is the first of many).  Actually, just writing that makes me feel really depressed.  Our first assignment is a book talk (we actually have to do a total of eight of them).  I do these EVERY DAY.  Ughh!  When will people understand that I already HAVE this job in AZ and KNOW HOW TO DO IT.  Just because I am wanting this job in a new state doesn't mean I become stupid and forget how!!!     This is so frustrating.   Jon is trying to help me see the positive.  By doing these classes I will max out the horizontal movement payscale for teachers, but that gives me little consulation right now.  I also know some of these classes might help me improve my professional knowledge base, but unless I have a media specialist job in Seattle my motivation is very little and extremely low.  

We booked Jon's final flight down to Phoenix to pick me up before driving up to Seattle Memorial Day weekend.   It seemed so final.  I mean I know this decision was made in December (the 14th to be exact), but just the thought of driving away from my parent's driveway and by our (old) subdivision for the last time for months on end gets me teary eyed.   

My coping mechanism for much of this is to push these types of thoughts into the back of my head.    I have become very good at this.  I do this whenever I leave the airport in Seattle and see Jon drive away, or when my parents drop me off at the airport in Phoenix and I fly away from home.  I do this when I think about the economy and what it has done to the price of our house in Scottsdale or the realistic chances of me finding a library job.  

I struggle with the fact that I have the opportunity and need to be a Light to believers, and more importantly, unbelievers around me watching me go through this transition.  I feel like I am struggling and failing with this lately as I let worry and doubt constantly creep in.  Marie is so wise and told me that God has not forgotten what to do with me (or our situation) during this move.  God has planned everything out.  This plan just feels so hard and confusing.   Oh Lord, give me faith! 

Double life

I love traveling, but I think I should start to add the caveat that I love traveling with people.  It's hard going on your own.  For little ol' me I have six thing I am responsible for before heading through security: my carry on suitcase, my black computer bag, my laptop that has to be removed from the bag, my belt has to be taken off, and my shoes and liquids under 4 oz have to be taken out.  It's a lot to even write about let alone try to remember it all.  Plus, when you are by yourself it's a pain and a half to go to the bathroom before you take off.  Seriously.  You have to drag everything with you into the stall because you have no one to watch it for you at the gate.  But mostly it's the pits because it's very lonely.  Even if they would pay me a six figure salary to travel around the country teaching kids-which let's face it no one does that- I wouldn't be happy living this nomadic lifestyle.

I feel like I'm living two lives at the moment, especially since only 3 people at work know I am leaving in less than two months.  I have this whole, HUGE aspect of my life which I am not at liberty to discuss or share.  Plus, I am trying to balance my life between two homes.  My Phoenix home is familiar and friendly.  It's (almost) always sunny and it's comforting and safe.  My family is there, and I am blessed to have such a great support system in them.  When I leave this city and them I feel sad, but at the same time I am so super excited to be seeing Jon in a few hours.   Then we have my new "adopted" city.  Seattle.  It has snow caped peaks, huge evergreen trees, seasons!, and it forces me outside of my comfort zone (which is good and bad).  This city allows me and Jon to make new friends together and, if I really desire, to completely reinvent myself.  

But let's be honest-the rest draw it has is my wonderful husband.  When I a with him it almost feels like Seattle could be home.  I know I am not the first person to move away from their hometown.  I keep telling myself that this is not that big of a deal and it will grow me closer to God and my husband.  But I am a creature of habit, and change is not easy for someone like me.  I also know God is faithful and God may well use this opportunity to prune me.  It's just hard to realize all of this in the midst of the transition.