My Heart Exposed

As I was writing my most recent update about what was going on in my life I was confronted with the idea that I wasn't being totally honest. There is a huge ongoing issue in my life that I have been struggling with for 20 months. Since this blog is "closed" to uninvited readers, and I trust those who do read this blog, I talked with Jon about sharing with you something that has increasingly become a large part of our life's journey.

We have been struggling with infertility.

That isn't any easier to write now than it was a year ago. In fact, I hate that word because it seems to final, especially when I know in God's plan nothing is truly final. I still have hope that one day Jon and I will be parents to a little child of our own DNA. I go through this life cautiously optimistic that God will fulfill the desire in both of our hearts to experience the joy of parenthood.

But that doesn't mean some days aren't hard and some days aren't downright sad and depressing.

So how can you, my friends, help me through this journey God has called me to be on? More than anything I would covet your prayers for both Jon and I. This is an emotionally wrenching time for us, and the desire to care a child runs deep for me. As each month passes us by, hearing about another pregnancy of a friend comes with both happiness and heartache. But with that said, please don't be fake. If you happen to get pregnant, don't hide it from me. I want to be happy with you, and I also need to process it in my own way. Likewise, if you aren't sure what to say, that's OK. If you are interested on topics related to this you can find a well written article (in my humble opinion) about this subject here.

Ok, so I think that is all I can muster up emotionally to say about this topic for today. Perhaps one day I will share more details about the whys and hows, and where we are planning to go with this next. For now, thank you for your trust as I share this part of my life with you.

Fall is here!

I have never really experienced a fall before where things actually happen. The leaves are changing colors in Seattle and it really can be beautiful. Right around our house there are some brilliant red and pink trees, my personal favorites. But a lot continues to change personally as well.

October 3rd we moved from Bellevue to Mercer Island so I could be closer to work. That's right...I live on an island. I never thought I'd actually say that. It is actually nestled between Seattle and Bellevue, and a major freeway goes through the north end of it. Driving on the I-90 you might never know you were on an island, but it's true! So far we really like it. For one, our place faces west which is vital in Seattle. It is also a bit bigger and fits our stuff much better. It also is soooo much closer to work for both of us. Jon is about 10 minutes, and I'm only 20 minutes away. That is a huge improvement from before. Even though it was a pain in the patootee to move again after only 6 months, I really think it will be worth it in the long run.

Things at work are good overall, but definitely very different. Since I am only there part time I am finding it is challenging for there to be any consistency. Teachers, and students, walk off with books, and subsequently the card catalog is NEVER accurate. No wonder over 10% of books are marked as lost at Gatewood. I also have no assistant, so all of the wonderful things I was spoiled with at Copper Ridge (books being checked in, overdue reports ran, processing and cataloging completed of new arrivals, book repair, delivering of library baskets back to classes, checkout to classes, etc) are all done by moi. This in addition to helping staff locate materials on a moments notice, checking out books during my prep time, maintaining the library, and planning/creating lessons. I usually leave exhausted and feeling like there is so much more to still do. What else is new, right? :)

As a new employee I also have the challenge of being accepted and finding my niche. At Copper Ridge I felt like people respected my thoughts because I was a known entity. I had built up trust and rapport over the years so I could be counted on for sound ideas. Here I am having to reinvent myself with EVERYONE. Since I am only part time this is a slow process. Teachers at Gatewood tend to be very friendly, but most eat in their rooms with their teammate, so making connections with staff has also been hard. I crave social interactions with adults after being around little guys all day, and unfortunately that happens none too often.

I am slowly trying to make new friends outside of work as well. We attend three different Bible studies, and I am starting to develop a few relationships that go past the acquaintance level. However, being gone most nights of the week is exhausting so we are considering cutting back on at least one of these commitments.

I finished my UP teaching last week and felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I did not enjoy the experience at all, and needless to say I don't think I will continue to instruct another course anytime soon. Wayyy too many hours invested for too little payoff. At one point Jon said to me he thought I cared more about the students passing than they did. Unfortunately for many I think that might have been the case.

I think that's it for now. Hopefully I'll be better about posting now that I have a bit more free time.